| Cee 的个人资料A Lady and her Dog share...照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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4月19日 Kovu is a Dog, afterall!
Hmph. Oh no I'm not! Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!
(Cee is cringing, rubbing her arms) Erwwwww! You had a dead squirrill!
The guts were hanging out and there was only the torso and one leg! (Scratching furiously thinking about it)
(Cee shudders at the memory of that poor thing. She also remembers trying vainly to get it--a plastic bag and a dish towel as her armour--but her wayward pup-son snatched it and took off like a jackrabbit before she could get it.)
Well, I can't help you! That's the nastiest thing I've ever seen. Eww!
Well, I can't help him, either! (Rolling her eyes)
Oh, yes I did! You are not going to get a disease by eating wild animals!
I know what it was, young'un. (TJ, roughly awaken from a deep sleep f rom his mother's screeching, dressed and went outside in the back yard. He walked past his mom, squirming around on one foot, balefully looking at the sacred animal, and passed through the back door. Kovu was kept in the house as Cee's reluctant hero got a shovel and upon initial problems scooping the carcas on the shovel, finally managed to get it up. He walked to the end of the yard to the back fence and threw the poor thing over it where Kovu could not reach it.) That was what I heard this morning, huh? I thought it was a cat.
Oh, Lord! (She quivers)
That you have a dark side?
(Praying for patience and understanding, Cee settles in the chair in front of her laptop. She drinks her first cup of coffee. Sighing, she is happy that the itching has stopped!)
4月17日 A gentle prayer
To those persons who are in pain, For those who have lost a dear one, For the rest of us who simply do not understand "why" Blessings! 4月16日 A hug to you this morning!
Ahh, the zaniness of Mondays! I survived the weekend, and that's a positve thing! What did I do? I got to go to the TaeKwonDo studio, spend some time napping (needed that very much!), and been at the hospital with Ma. We will most likely have to place her in a nursing home, but we'll ride them to take care of her as we are the nursing staff now! (Humph!) The good thing is that the nurses have adopted "Miss Mable" and are taking very good care of her. Maya drew a portrait of me, and today, it is shown for its international debut on Spaces! WHOOHOO! After a surprise rainstorm yesterday, Kovu and I took a brisk walk at the park. We both needed that Mama-puppy bonding with no one interferring, you know? I went to the FAFSA site and applied for my college aids. I'm more than chomping at the bit to return to academa. Yeah, I know. I did need the rest and down time, but it is time to continue my school work. After the distractions of a larger university, I need the smaller, nurturing atmosphere of a adult-intuned college. Whatever you do today, do it with a smile, an open heart, and lots of love! Find the romance and beauty in your day and enjoy all moments in it. Hugs and Smooches! Cee 4月12日 Relationships beyond the skin
4月10日 An unfortunate choice of wordsKovu runs to Cee, upset. He lays his head on her lap. Feeling his distress, she stops typing and rubs his head in comforting strokes. She continues this until he finally speaks.
 Mom, I'm not a mutt, am I? 'course not! Why do you ask that?
Petey called me that. (Kovu sniffs sady. Petey is a pit bull who lives with his family down the street.) So, why did he call you a mutt?
I told him he had fleas. Uh, do you know he has fleas?
No. Well, why would you tell him something like that if you didn't know? And if he did, what made you say something to make someone feel bad?
(Kovu looks guiltily the other way) Because I heard someone else say it. Well, it doesn't give you or anyone else the right to say something like that.
I guess I'd better so say I'm sorry, huh? (Cee eyed her wayward pup-son.) Yes, I think you should. (She resumes her typing.)
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I feel emphathy for Imus. TJ asked me if I felt anything about the derogatory words and I replied no. I could go on and on about this but this is factual...
1. Who created the word "ho"? Young black men.
2. Who uses it? Young black men and others who caught the fever along the way.
3. Who is the word directed to? Young black women originally, and then used for other women in this age group. This perpetrates the lack of respect for women, period!
4. Why would young black men, particularly, get upset about a slip when another used this derogatory slang against the same women as a way to belittle them? Once this word meant mainstream, whether it was a slip of the tongue or not, the responsibiity was from the originator
I hope the money that was earned from this was worth it.
Young women, if you are carrying yourself questionably and dancing off music like this , take heed and think about it.
The one positive thing I have heard is that we, as the older generation, are failing our young. We don't teach our families enough about respect.
The dollar has replaced the love in our teens.
 4月9日 The Simplest Things My niece, Maya, loves extravagant things. Like most seven years old divas, the bigger the better. What I find amazing is that she also loves simple things, moreso than those grand items I can find at Walmart! I instinctually know what makes her smile, and, as her "Aunt Mouse", I try to remember to keep those little things around when she is over here.
Her favorite thing is Bonne Bell Lip Gloss. What big smiles I get for a $1.50 investment!
 A year ago April 3rd, the Husband and I became burn victims (you have to be a "victim" before you can learn how to be a "survivor"!) During the earlier chapter of the last year, it wasn't the love offering my coworkers gave me or the phone calls that gave me comfort, or even the study bible I had finally got. It was a simple wooden beaded bracelet with a small wooden cross on it. I got it from the Lifeway book store for all of a dollar. It meant more to me than a precious metal it could have been made out of.
My heart is broken. Since I've been going back and forth to stay with my mom at the hospital, it is now missing in the twilight zone. I hope it turns up.
 I refuse to lie to you. Running back and forth to the hospital (where Ma still is) and trying to keep normalcy at home is tiring and wearing on my body! I've had a low grade headache for the last ten days or so. For a while, her health has fluctuated so that we weren't sure she would be with us. In such a heavy situation, as grave as things were becoming, the simplest destresser is to have a sense of humor. It's an odd time to do so, but more practical than drinking myself to oblivion (as a sister had chose to do!) Crying is a much easier option, but there has to be a balance for it, right?
 Reguardless of his Autism, my son Nick is a very precise young man. He keeps dates and facts in his mind like a lot of us breathe. He is not only the family historian, his also has a preoccupation with the deceased. Last week, when I called home to give the Husband an update on Ma's condition, I overheard him tell our sons "No, she's still alive". Hmph! Life doesn't stop when a loved one is critically ill, but geez!
Nick had made a video tribute to the deceased Duncans. Both amused and annoyed, I arched my overplucked eyebrow and drawled "Nick, you have to wait to start the Rankin side. Grandma's still here!" I guess he is ready to get started!
 One of the most profound ways to say "I love you" is not to say it at all. My small cynicism aside, perhaps I have used these three worlds so carelessly, it has lost the umph! Companiable silence, holding hands, a sincere smile, a cold puppy nose, little kisses do express the feelings as eloquently as the most finely spoken declaration. I'm like my "peewee woman" --Maya-- but I would love a Dr. Pepper lip gloss, too!
This week, I wish for all of you: Companiable silences, comical whimsy, a bounty of love, and many simple things that causes you to really smile (even when you really don't feel like it -- that is when you need it the most!) and totally warms you with His precious grace!  4月5日 The Key to Effective Prayer
Kovu and I wish everyone a glorious Easter! ¡Kovu y yo deseamos a cada uno una Pascua gloriosa! Kovu et moi souhaitent à chacun Pâques glorieuse !
3月29日 Mom's Home ! ! !
Mom has been busy with her mom the last few days, but I can't help it. I need her to take care of me. When she got home yesterday, she rubbed me and kissed me and fed me. She kissed me like she had been away for a week instead of one night! But I wasn't going to stop her! I missed her, too! She was too sleepy to take me out, but that was OK. I let her sleep and I stayed on the back porch until T came home. When he let me in, I went to the living room, and took a nearby place next to the couch where she slept. I can't imagine not having Mom around. When she woke up, she looked around the room and when she found what she was looking for -- me! -- she smiled, and, rising from the couch, she kneeled on the floor. She ruffled my fur and worshipped me all over again. She loves kissing my nose. She knows it makes me sneeze! She just likes to devil me! But what can I say? Life is great when Mom is here! 3月28日 ConfessionsBlogs are for sharing poetry, family stories, and observations about life and beyond. I think I need to share this one thing, for I care about my blogging friends, and never want to mislead any of them in thinking I am perfect .. so here it is (sigh)
I CAN'T FRY CHICKEN!
Tell me your secret. Lord knows, it can't be as bad as mine!
 His Strength is She
I love reading. If the tale is well written, I am completely swept away. It's no wonder I had always found love stories so captivating. I was fourteen years old in 1976. I was in music camp for a week at UNC-Chapel Hill. My first bodice-ripping panter was entitled "Dare to Love" by Jennifer Wilde. It was such that I could not put it down. Ahh, I thought. All love stories should be engrosing, so good! As I got older, naturally, I learned that reality is not as neat as reading the last page. That story ends, suspended forever, at the close of the back cover.
For instance, the story of Jr. and Mable has grown more into a love story than I had originally imagined. Their story is no less dramatic than any other couple. Jr. was ten years older, trying to get over his first wife and running from his demons as if Luficer himself was nipping at his heels. She was a young woman attending college to become a nurse. When he saw her, he wanted her. The poor girl didn't stand a chance, charming dude that he was. It was tempestuous courtship at best. As the story goes, they had to overcome his alchololism, her emotional breakdown, six children (losing the only son), living with their mental illnesses, financial troubles, and the continuous dramas of daughters and grandchildren. Never mind their brothers and sisters (even now) declare their union too close to begin with, much less understand. These two are much older now, still battling things together, but as her sickness progresses, some of us are privy to the love Jr. and Mable (we know them as Ma and Daddy) have for each other. There is a bond, as gentle as ribbon but stronger than steel, that cannot be easily severed.
Right now, she is in the hospital. Her appetite has been non-existent, only sipping root beer (She can't stand it now) and Ensure. She has diabetes, as well as hypertension and her Alzheimers. She blacked out while Sister #2 was attending her. Sister #2 called 911, and Ma was taken to the hospital. She is receiving fluids and liquid nutrition to make her stronger. Two of us has been with her, loathe to leave her alone. Sister #2 is with Daddy, because his strength, it turns out, is laying in this hospital bed. The Rankin, the stubborn fellow he is, totaled his car last Friday. He was too sore to come up here. (I suspect he is too uncomfortable to see her hooked up to machines.)
Daddy depends on her, even as Alheimers is taking her away. Daddy can't be who he is without her. When she calls for him, he pastes a long-suffering look on his face. But, when she sleeps, he studies her, seeing past and present in her face. Knowing ..
Here, in her room, she calls his name. I dial 2002, but no one picks up. She murmurs how much she wants to go home. I know, I soothe, running my hands through her hair. You gotta eat so you can. Her life force may be the first one to leave us, but there is no question about how she has been his life and love. She has taken care of him. He now takes care of her. Without her, he is not as strong. He knows that now.
She is his woman. His strength is she.
We'll get her home.
3月27日 The ExamIt had been five years since I had a mammogram. I wasn't too concerned. I methodically do my self exam in the shower once a month . I'm proud I keep up with it, and I never find anything. I perform it when I primp in the mirror, moving and weighing each globe like a bag of gold. I go a step farther after a good workout. I'll throw back my shoulders and style, profile, and consider my womanly assets while gazing into my looking glass. I smile mischieviously as I check out things from every possible angle. Not too bad for forty-five, I'll grinned deeply. I truly haven't entertained the possibility of breast cancer entering my universe. It was not likely. I have no history of it, and neither do my sisters nor other female relatives. We had other things to concern ourselves with, but breast cancer wasn't one of them. Not until last Monday. "Hmmm", my OB murmered. I'm on the examinating table, bare from the stomach up. I had my left arm laying above my head, as she does the breast exam. After all these years, this has to be the most embarrassing test next to the one below the stomach. As she does the cursory exam, I glance away from her, noting the pressing and the padding of flattened palms and finger tips over the left boob. It's such an other worldy experience. I know it's necessary, but gads! Doctor and patient volley a discussion about the unexpected warmth of seventy degree weather, like she wasn't doing what she was doing. The sun slanted happy rays of light in the neat, sterile room and brightened it considerably. I wanted to be outside so much. My mind drifted determinedly to the kickboxing class I plan to go to after this is over. The martial arts studio is only five minutes away from the doctor's office. She shifted her attention to the right one. I glanced to the opposite corner. Her quick ministrations slowed a little, then seemed to take a little longer. I have a habit of jumping to conclusions, so I didn't worry too much. "Have you always had this lump?" She asked me distractedly. "Lump? What lump?" I thought and blurted out the question simultaneously. "This one." she said, concentrating on one place in particular. There is no breast cancer in your family, Cee. ( I always talk to myself. Sometimes, I talk out loud.) We got our crazies, but no breast cancer. Let me hold that thought! The sun was still shining, right? Yup, the sun was still shining. And there was a lump in my breast. Hey, nothing to worry about, right? There are many reasons for a little rise. It could be a cyst. I'm menopausal .. somewhat. It's probably some hormonal residue. I'm watching what I eat. I'm gamely getting all the poisons out of the body .. the greasy food, the fats, the sugars. I get outside and enjoy nature. I try not to let stress settle in, lest it adds turmoil to my peace and tranquility. Animals are notorious for sensing oddities in their humans. Kovu had not noticed or snifffed out any tainted places on my body. And, Linda, my OB, used to be my Migraine doctor before she switched practices. Does a former headache doctor truly know how to do a boob exam? Does every doctor know what he is doing? Don't panic, girl. Don't panic. "OK. Where is it?" Man! I sound calm and together. NOT! My thoughts raced a mile a minute. I needed to be shown where it -- the bump -- was. Maybe my nipple was going east or something. Linda positioned my fingers to where the place was, and, actually feeling the strange little ball moving under my tips, I couldn't ingore it. The lump was a rise off my nipple towards the right side of it. It was the size of a soft contact lens. So, OK .. I have a lump. How in the world did that get there? I didn't have it last year. And the sun was still shining .. brightly! My brows furrowed. If Nick was here, he would be smoothing my brows. He would tell me to stop thinking so much. Nick's not here though. And I still have a lump in my right boob. My mammogram was scheduled April 4th, two long weeks from now.
*****************************
Runt (my sister) was stunned. It's just scar tissue. (I had a breast reduction almost twenty years ago.) Tracey (my best friend) was outraged. Why didn't they make a mammogram appointment for you sooner than that? TJ (my elder son) was comforting. He wasn't worried in the least. Terry (the Husband) joked if I had let him "play" with the girls more, this wouldn't have happened. ( I'm taking it he was in shock, the butt! His mom died of cancer that started with both her breasts and moved to her liver. ) My closest coworkers were concerned. And I started imagining all sorts of things. I am not my breasts. I know that. I am a woman regardless. What if? What if? What if? If I have cancer, they both come off. I can't be attached to parts of my body that is cancerous. I don't have time for medical drama. I had it last year. Not like I don't have enough scars already. I am a Rankin. I am strong. My eyes watered, and I'd impatiently swiped them away. No fear. Taking matters in my own hands, I called the Breast Center and requested the first available cancellation. I got lucky. I had one for Wednesday evening, the next evening. Wednesday, I went diva. I glammed myself up a notch: deep black kohl on my eyes, rustic lipstick, a sunny, yellow top and soft, flowing grey pants. Terry picked me up from work and down Wendover Avenue, right on Church Street the Breast Center. It didn't take long, all of ten minutes. The peliminaries seemed pretty promising. No strange discolorations on the images. It's not official yet. I hadn't got "word" from my doctor; however, I will seek a second opinion since the lump is still there. I woke up with some soreness around one of my previous scars. Could be anything. Right? "Hey, Boo" the Husband leered at me. "It's time to play." (Sigh) And I'm supposed to be the "weaker sex"? Hmph! Sure I am! P.S. My Mam was negative, and I will seek a second opinion. The diagnosis? LBB. Translated: Lumpy-bumpy-breasts!
3月20日 On my way to blogging this morning, I was getting into my groove. Gee! My fingers remember how to fall! I was typing and having a good time, when bam! I slightly moved my laptop and the cord slipped out! Man!!!! It felt so good to be back in Blogland, I didn't have the time to really think of ugly words I could've used at that particulary moment. I know .. I should've "Saved as Draft", but I forgot. At least, I got back on after falling off the horse. I know I've been super busy with the families and all, but when I glance and see comments, I get skittish and happy at the same time, especially when I have writer's block and don't have anything particularly profound or witty or comical to write about. Then, my typical reaction, I withdraw. The ego does get in the way! I am working on some things to get into.
Kovu is just wonderful. He is laying in the back door after eating all his chews. We're going to hit the pavement. And let me tell you, it's a geat time of year for it!
Oh, well! I'll just have at it later!
Love and Hugs!!
 3月15日 I rise!
Wow! Almost 80 degree weather around here today! It seems like winter may not truly make it in the Triad. I like this! It's awesome! I woke up and I was happy to do so. How often, I wondered for a moment, do I actually do that? What thoughts are wondering around in my foggy mind? Now most of the time, I have a complaint in my head. Like, I don't wanna get up! I try my best to keep things in perspective. My parents are sick, but they are still with me in this realm of the universe. I don't want to leave my warm bed, but I am able to get up! I may need to lose some pounds, but one of my necessities are met. It's hard not to complain about things, but how often do I try not to do it? I am an optimist, and yes, I get socked for it. But, there is always something positive in situations. The door closed to us forces us to go try a different, and possibly better entry. Life is what we are given. Why not enjoy it? (Sigh) Even with an impatient pup clawing at the back storm door?
~Love and Hugs!~ 3月5日 It's a great morning!Good morning, dear ones! I am thankful to see another day around good ol' Greensboro. It's brisk and crisp outside, but the sun is out in full force. I hope you (all) had a great weekend.
It's a Monday morning, and I so glad I could get on and say hi to Blogland. It's going to be a sore day for me .. I got a root canal scheduled in about thirty minutes .... Yikes!
I dislike any form of dental work, especially those with a grinding sound effect attached to it! Since I won't be able to wimp out with happy gas, I will bring my walkman and zone out on booty shaking music while I squirm uncomfortably in the chair! Afterwards, if I am not too traumatized, I will take an exihiarating walk in the nearby park. I must keep the body as well as I can! In the mean time, I will holler at all of you lovely people later on during the week.
Love and Hugs to everyone! 3月1日 Did ya think I got lost? Nah, I didn't but family life has been taking the lead. As last week, I've been spending time at the young folks house. It's surprising how much I treat them like glass. My mom still won't eat, but we get Ensure in her so she can take her meds. Daddy, our aging Cowboy, runs the house (quietly, naturally), but his scooting is down to a shuffly because of his arthritis. Mixed in this, the Husband expects me to be ready when he picks me up, and Kovu, my happy pup, is excited and about knocks anyone over with his fluffy tail. In all this ruckus, my dad studies the Wonder Dog, and warns of his younger days when dogs qivered in fear when he and his brother were near because the Rankin men were known to throw rocks at anything with four legs! Hmph!
When I got home yesterday, T and Terry cornered me with the movie "The Prestige" which I fell asleep on. Hugh Jackman couldn't make it interesting for me to stay awake!
T, my would-be college football player, sprained his ankle. That sidelined him from trying out with the minor league football team. Nick, as studious and conservative as ever, is waiting for his bus. The Wonder Dog? His Majesty is lounging and stretchng on the couch. (and I have to take multiple "worship breaks with him. Ha!) Today is cloudy, so we may not get to walk later, as it's suppose to rain. The Husband has gone to get an oil change for his car. Life, at 1026, is quiet.
As for yours truly? I decided that WW, doable as it is, is not in my best interest at the moment. Shoot! With everything emotional in my atmosphere at the moment, all I want to do is eat! Which brings up the subject of my "office" in the kitchen. I reluctantly took my laptop out of harm's and moved in in my bedroom. I can't be around food .. too counter productive. It is on my Firm step, an ingenious excercise tool I've used for many years. With my laptop on top of that, I get my worlds together. Those last fifteen pounds? I will get to them, but it's going to be a slow process.
School? Well, I decided to take a summer school class .. the Old Testament. I'd always wanted to take it. I will get my feet wet slowly returning back to school. Too soon to decide on a course load for the fall.
Life is busy, but, blessedly, I am here! Ha! As I eat my raisin bran (Gasp! 19 grams of sugar!?), I an enjoying a moment's solitude and quiet. It is now a new month, and I am thinking fondly of my blogging family. I will roam around this weekend and see what everyone's up to. I've missed everyone. Rest assure, this corner is safe and well. Just busy, as an Earth Mama's world tends to be.
 Love, love, and hugs!!
2月20日 Green nail polish and false eye lashes The last week has been nothing short of a juggling act. I've been spending quite a bit of time at my young folks (my parents). My dad reluctantly allows some of us to care for him and Ma. It amazing how much time shifts. We take care of them! Daddy has arthritis and Ma has a myriad of things, her Alzheimers at the forefront. She refuses to eat and she doesn't want to take a bath. She is not surly, just matter-of-fact about it.
Take Sunday evening for exaple. I went to the house, and tried to coax Ma with a bath.
"I don't want to take a bath." After running water in the bathtub, I tsked her and scolded how I had to have two heavenly grown folks drinks (Long Island Iced Tea) at Outback Steakhouse just to come over and clean her up. I shed her clothes and helped her in the warm water.
"You" I told her gently, are not going to con me out of it today.
"Jr. Get me out of here." Ma called to Daddy.
"Oh, no you don't" I chided. "We gotta be clean, Ma. You know how much you love to be clean." I soaped her cloth with Ivory soap and proceeded her cleansing.
"Jr. Get me out of this place." Soap. Rinse. Help her out. Dry her off. Gently wipe her face. My face. Her face. After a few more verbal tugs, I have her dressed and tucked safety in bed next to Daddy. She reached to find him, and she settled down. Daddy watches her with his mock long-suffering gaze. By this time, my sister Chrystal and my twenty-one-year-old nephew, Evan joined me. The three of us stand post at the foot of their bed in their slightly cluttered room.. Ma snuggles closer to Daddy, and I laugh.
"It's your fault" I tease him. You put that lovin' on her all those years ago, and you have to suffer now, you flirt!" I look at my cohorts. I know back in the day, Daddy was nothing but a flirt.
"Granddad was a pimp!" Evan chimed in , laughing hard at the scandalized look on Daddy's face. Ma has a ghost of a smile on hers, as if she was in on the jest.
I groaned. Oh, no Evan didn't say that! "No, Granddad didn't do pimp!" That word doesn't even belong in the same sentence as Daddy."
"Come on, Evan" Chrystal tossed in, decisively. Slight neck role, and tossing her shoulder length auburn locks. "Daddy was an old player. An old, old player."
I closed my eyes and shook my head. Poor Daddy. From a flirt to a player to a pimp!
I look at the false eyelashes to the left of my keyboard. I was born with skimpy wisps, and my eyes are slightly almond shaped. I was thinking the lashes would bring some flair to them. I was a charter member of the tomboy society. Now, I am in a girly-girl phase. I have a deliciously feminine flair of the dramatic. I may try them out some time in the week.
"I don't understand the purpose" The Husband comments. Isn't that what mascara is for?"
Yeah, but the lashes are instant glam! To eventually do a poetry reading, now is a good a time as any to explore how I plan to present myself , I guess. I enjoy the girl thing. My nails are currently Jade Green. Why not? I think of Jerry, one of my coworkers. He is always stunned when I have anything different than red or pink. Who says that there isn't another place in the solar system, and green polish isn't the norm? Ya never know.
And, I think a little defiantly, that Ma needed to paint her nails something other than red or pink or brown. That maybe, just maybe, she could've escaped her current fate. Time and circumstance brings so much to roost at anyone's front door. I don't know why my hell-on-wheels mama was affected with Alzheimers. I know I counted on her to stay the same, my constant through all my highs and my screw ups.
When I finally accepted she had Alzheimers, Luther Vandross had his stroke. His song, "Dance with my Father" was played over and over on the airwaves. I would hear it and cry. I would drive down the street, listening to Tom Joyner's daily vigil and Vandross's mother's words floating around me. I would stumble out of my car, taking my keys out to let myself in my apartment, slamming the door, and burying my face in the pillow, crying on my bed before my family would get home.
What excuse do I have, now, not to live my life to its fullest? Since Ma couldn't or wasn't allowed to live the life she wanted, what reason do I have not to give that kind of scrutiny and consideration to my own? Especially now, as her sickness progresses, she is now approachable and cuddly and loving? What a tradeoff! To gain the mom I needed under the cloak of Alzheimers.
I told her, as I snuggled in her neck, I woud be her wild side. As I once placed a water based tattoo on her ankle, (She wanted one.) I vowed I would be her wild side. And, as the extended family of 2002 celebrate her 69th birthday on Saturday, the 24th, I will renew my promise to both of us ...
I will always be her wild side.  2月13日 Happy Valentine's Day
I wish life could touch each person exactly how he or she needed to be touched. Unfortunately, this isn't so. There was once a time, I yearned for anyone, someone to notice and appreciate my unique qualities. It had taken may years to discover the Lord loved me like that. Next to Him, I was responsible for loving myself the way I wanted another to care. It was so simple, it was staggering. I didn't know until later. Once I cared about myself, and that included setting boundaries of what I would and couldn't accept as a person, that love was there for me. The love I wanted was always there. Deep inside my heart. Buried under the worries and stresses of daily life. Of those who may not have had my best interests at heart. I was free. Free. To love and be loved. And those persons trust me to do the same. Never be afraid to love. Accept it and share it. It is never meant to be kept selfishly. This is the greatest love of all.
2月6日 The N word and others like it
The first time I heard the N word was in second grade, 1968, and spoken from my own lips. Mrs. Donahue was my favorite teacher, (next to Mr. Leonard's forth grade class) at Phineas Bates Elementary School. My classmate John Collins and I had finger-walked the child-worn globe of the world. Every kid must've picked and pointed at every spot on the metal orb. This day, John and I found a country in Africa. It was Niger. When John asked me what the word was, I added the other G, and sounded the short i instead ot the long i. When he corrected me in typical John-Collins fashion, I was instantly irritated. Darned John and his "know it all" attitude that was always right! I felt dumb, but I didn't miss a beat. After all, it was jus a word.
Ironically, my family lived in the projects of Roslindale, Ma. We didn't hear the N word a lot, and I didn't hang out with the older kids, so my innocence stayed with me until my family moved to NC in 1975.
Then came the culture shock.
My Boston accent was heavy, and I was prone for teasing. I was "proper" sounding. (Back then, that meant "sounding white" -- whatever that meant!) I couldn't help it, and, truthfully, I didn't want to have the crispness of my northern dialect sand-papered away by the drawl of the south.
The N word was risque and bold and spoken in the back of the bus with the cool kids. It was used with the "s" word, the "f" word, and the "d" word. It was not a pretty word, and it wasn't a true word. I, like most of the kids on the bus, was brown. Anyway, I scoffed silently to myself, and whispered privately to my best friend, Tracey, those kids were "uncultured", as my dad would say.
During the 70s, the sitcom "Good Times" would be the beginning of many that would pepper the show with realism. When the N word was used here, I covered my mouth with my hand at the boldness. Man! Good Times was alright! Yet, Soul Train didn't speak it. Diahann Carroll did use it on the sitcom "Julia". But, Richard Pryor used it during the "Word Association" skit he did with Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live. Well, my brain reason. You can expect anything from Richard Pryor! After all, the man didn't have any sense! Anyway, during the times where the Black Panthers came out, James Brown shouted "I'm Black and I'm Proud". Still, my skin was brown. Actually, my skin was "burnt sienna", like the crayon Crayola had during that time. It was the light brown M&M candy that is no longer part of the colorful array within the dark brown paper wrapper. And on my birth certificate, it said I was "colored". I wondered if John Instasi's birth certificate said "Italian"? On my dad's, he was "Negro".
The N word had to original from that city in Africa I scouted on the globe in Mrs. Donahue's class. Most likely, it was created during the earlier colonial settlers of this country to use on the slaves. From there, this group of people adopted the word with a spin on it. It's a casual endearment between two brown men. It drips derision from a woman's scornful dismissal. It's a slap upon a brown man's face as a challenge. It was never meant to be a compliment. I will, at times, use it scathingly with a punctuated eye roll. No excuses to be made here. The N word is such a part of my culture, sometimes it is out before I know it.
Some of my friends query about why they cannot use the word to a person of the brown race. It's hard to explain, but it originated during a time most of us weren't even thought of, let alone out earlier family members. We do pick up things from our ancestors that really should remain in the past ... even though I've slipped up on it. My heritage is what it is. It's a pity how the black race in general fights to own this derogatory term. I wish it was just as easy to cast aside.
When Michael Richards hurled the N word upon the hecklers in his audience, I know how the unforbidden could be spoken. Unfortunately, the circus that was the follow was expected. The apology should've been private among the persons in his audience. For the poor man to apoligize to Black Leaders was ludicrous. (Was Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton around??) As ugly as the situation was, this was an isolated incident. This is as strange a notion as today's leaders speaking heart-felt apologies about slavery back in the day. The persons who should receive the murmurs of regret have been gone a long time. I can't feel it, because I did not experience it. My ancestors paved a way for me and my future to live.
The N word will not be banished from the dictionary. The true meaning has been carelessly tossed aside for many years. However, changing the well-used slang among this group of people will never go away. What we need to remember is no matter how pretty or awful sounding the word -- any word -- is, it is how it is used.
2月5日 On those days I think I'm crazy Have you ever had a string of days that would have you a candidate for a hospital?
I am a very high strung person ... most of the time happily so. I get a lot of stuff done in a flurry of instances. I am the eldest daughter of two depressed-infested people. Since I have a tendency to internalize situations within my very emotional little brain, I was placed on an anti-anxiety med called Effexor. Those of us who are nervous individuals are also prone to migraine headaches, therefore it's not uncommon to have been friends with this or numerous other anti's such as Zoloft or Xanax, etc. I've dreamed of returning to a drug-free existence before RBS (racing brain syndrome) settled into my unidealistic life. I want to do this, but not like I was forced to this weekend. And, after this chaotic time period, I will eventually do this.
Anyway, back to the subject. About six months ago, I had a running list of prescription meds I had turned into the pharmacy .. or so I thought. One of them, naturally, was the Effexor. Life stayed even and normal and under this guise, and I was a peaceful individual. This past Friday, I dialed my pharmacy for a refill. Sure, I've been off of the stuff for two days. Sure, I was feeling decidedly loopy. That's why I had to get it in my system. It's not a wise thing to go off the stuff cold turkey. Little did I know, there was soon to be a problem. There was no record of an Effexor refill. (I didn't find out until Saturday afternoon.) Good Lord! I turned that prescription in .. didn't I?
Saturday morning, the Husband was in rare form. I wanted to go to the TaeKwonDo studio to work out. Why do you have to do that, he demanded? You know I don't have Saturdays off too much, and you're always trying to get away from me. You don't think there's a problem with that? (Needless to say, I didn't go! Duh!) I Was Trapped, people! Eventually, Kovu and I went for a walk. I was fighting with a new radio Walkman to listen to during our walk. Kovu knocked the glasses off my face, and they flew under the car. Luckily, the heavy lenses didn't fall out of the frames or shatter into slivers. Ko generally cut a fool. My beloved dog showed his butt so much, I seriously thought of returning him to the Animal Shelter. Hmm, I considered. The shelter was only ten minutes away ...
(Kovu blinks at Cee) You mean you were serious??! (Cee eyes him pointedly. Steadily. Unwaveringly.) Yes. I was.
(Unable to say anything, Kovu slinks away, tail tucked between his legs, to the back door jam. He lays down sadly, and ponders how he should act the next time they walk together) Yesterday, the family went out to breakfast and ran other errands. Later that afternoon, I watched old reruns of Little House on the Prairie. I cried through them, which was very unusual. I watched "How Do I Look?" on the Style network. I cried. My skin and other parts of my extremities feel like creepy crawlies were all over it.and within it. I took a nap. I never do this on the weekends. I broke out in chills and quivers. I cried. I had to force myself (and poor Nick) to sit through some of the Super Bowl for a couple of hours. And Nick, I told him firmly, I don't really care if you are mad at me. Get over it. His eyes were teary, but he kept a stoic expression during the two hours he was forced to socialize. Last night, I shivered and cried and eventually went to sleep.
"Mom? Are you alright?" I hear Nick's voice in the distance. I fight to focus on his concerned face. I smile slightly.
"Yes, baby, I am" I assure him.
"OK, Mom", his voice said. His understanding brown eyes, however, said "I'm so glad you're not crazy today!"
The Husband wasn't so soft. Why can't the doctor call you in some more stuff, the Husband demanded. Seems they should be able to do something. They got you hooked on the stuff in the first place. Ah, mr. black and white, the Husband is. So gentle and comforting. Fighting not to turn him into stone (as Medusa happily would) with my fierce glare, I did just that this morning. A few hours later, one of the nurses returned my call. Mrs. Duncan, she informed me, you did turn in a prescription back in October. (Ah! I'm not that off in da head after all, friends!) You, she sympathized, had a lazy tech who didn't check the info out thoroughly. (Translated, I should not have gone through any of this. Life is wonderful -- not! Quiver, quiver. Shiver. Tears running down my face.)
As the Husband finally left to pick up my refill, I have decided I do want to wean off of this stuff. There are many, many folks all over the world on beta blockers and other stuff to live with crippling depression or anxiety. It is a lifesaver for a lot of people. I got a rough taste of what it is like coming off of it cold turkey. The symptoms usually takes weeks to run their course. I've been on this stuff at last eight years, I think. I currently have a fuzzy head and waves of other strangeness within my brain. The tears will be here at least another day or so. I will try to work regardless .. if it's too rough, I will leave early and come home and bury myself under my covers. And cry. Maybe it was a good idea not to to to Martial Arts class today. I probably would've cried during a bad kick or something.
When I eventually wean off Effexor, it has to be a slow process. Wave. Wave. Quiver. When I read this later on in the week, I will probably chuckle and shake my head. I marvel how the cures of our earthly ailments are worse a lot of times than the ailments! Yeesh! 1月31日 Billy Billy (aka "Quadius") is new friend of mine. He is part of the Wheelie set that blogs on Spaces. He is a truly cool dude with a gorgeous dog named Bella. (I'm sure Kovu would love to play with her, the flirt) It's great when I can get a chance to see things from another's shoes .. this time I get to see things from his seat! He shows me how much I take for granted in my life.
(He doesn't know it yet, but I am dancing with him among the heavens of Blogland .. ! Naturally, I am sitting on his lap when we do the Hustle!) Drop by and visit him! |
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